American Haiku (for Jack)

[machinery]

These are all just runs...the first three are 5-7-5...but i didn't want that anymore...this is American Haiku (for jack)...give me what these are worth...

*********************************************
and I've come to this
sweet pill you and I tonight
must wonder further

5:23 sunday
Luke is sleeping at my side
and I think of him

yea yea yea maybe
yeah yeah why not go for it
yeah it's already gone

up suddenly at 5am
hold your mouth
and run to the trash can!

mine isn't like yours Jack
No beauty in this
nope, not like yours...

Sun on my wednesday shades
my walk is slow; casual
and I can't see where I'm going

my eyes jump to you
oh blond magician
and I can't figure out your spells

There's sun on this morning
more syrup on my pancakes mother
...couldn't get any better!

eruption!
smooth exit of gas...
and it doesn't smell too good

gods crash down
rain falls
and I love you

[parch]

i like the first except the last line uses the word "wonder" where you may mean "wander" - which is it?.....
the luke one was funny but that's it....

"my eyes jump to you..." -- good..good, you had movement (action) and you had simple description that hits it well. "oh blonde magician"

the "sun on my wednesday shades..." one was a good decription but the ending could be worded better....

i like where you're going.
you hit and miss but when you hit, you hit well.

___---parch

[ranter]

i know exactly where you're going with these....i can hear the little saxophone, or piano in the background....bum bum bum badda dadda da......eruption!
smooth exit of gas...
and it doesn't smell too good....its too stupid to not laugh and like...all in all, for the most part i liked 'em...but i totally see where you're going....godspeed

[Zeik Blaine]

If i knew how to critique this i would, but i dont really think to much of Haiku's or whatever. I liked your wording at the begining though. sorry, if i could follow haiku's better, i would critique more, but i cant sorry man, - Zeik